First First

Today marked Blake's first first day of school.

I have been anticipating this day for a while now. I have really looked forward to our time apart because of the tension we've been having this year. I have been eager for Blake to experience the structured social learning aspects of preschool. I have craved more structured and organized days. I have longed for individual quality time with Nash.

Some days I have thought, this day can't come fast enough.

So, I was surprised when the tears welled up when I dropped Blake off at school today. I didn't expect to miss him like crazy for the three hours he was away. I didn't realize how quiet the car would sound without Blake overpowering every noise that Nash made. I didn't know that I would wake up every hour last night with nervous anticipation. I didn't realize how much it would make my heart break when Blake expressed that he was scared to leave me. I didn't know that I would have a panicked feeling of letting go.

I kept wondering what Blake was doing at preschool and wishing I could be alongside him, soaking up every detail of discovering the classroom routine for the first time. I imagined what conversations he was having and what projects he was working on (and crossed my fingers that he was remaining accident-free). Every time I thought about how much fun he must be having, a huge smile spread across my face. Because I knew that he was in such good hands.

We went to his preschool orientation last week and I couldn't have felt more confident with the school and teachers we chose. Knowing that Blake was on cloud nine eased a lot of my worries.

And at least I knew he'd have a good story to share with his new friends about our ER visit yesterday.

Even though this change is bittersweet, I think preschool is going suit Blake quite well.