Mother's Day

As a mother, I experience the rawest of emotions.

I struggle and ache and worry and hurt. 

I am frustrated and exasperated and exhausted and harrowed.

I have a tattered body and frazzled mind and tired spirit.

But because I am a mother, I also experience moments deep, deep love that make it all worth it.

I gathered up the boys a week before Mother's Day to attempt a shot of all four of them to send to the grandmas. I was grateful for one decent shot since most of them looked like this:

Could they be any less enthused?

The boys sure make me work for those smiles.

Mother's Day weekend started out like many weekends do; taking a trip to the beach.

It was cool and overcast and I forgot the sand toys, but the boys had no problem finding entertainment with logs and sticks. 

Mother's Day was filled with handmade cards and meals from my boys and church messages expressing appreciation for mothers. We topped off the evening with a walk around the neighborhood and stopped at our favorite lemon grove where the lemons are free for the taking.

I only got one (blurry) shot with only one of my little ones. 

If I'm being honest, Mother's Day is a bittersweet holiday for me. I always expect to have only joy as I appreciate the great gift it is to be a mother and recognize all of the mothers who influence my life and the lives of my children. It should be a relief to have a break from cleaning up messes I didn't make and cooking for little people who don't appreciate the effort. And who doesn't love sweet hugs and phone calls and presentations of homemade gifts? Especially when my seven year old proclaims, "She is the best mom I had in my whole life!"

I feel guilty that all of those things aren't enough to make this day a welcomed celebration. Although Mother's Day is always filled with feelings of love and recognition and gratitude, it comes as a surprise to me each year that feelings of mourning also creep up. I can't help but look around at other mothers and children and feel the unwelcome intrusion of jealousy that comes with comparison. It seems as if all of my inadequacies as a mother are brought to the surface as I am reminded of all of the areas where I am falling short.

My mom happened to be in town over the weekend and we ran out to a few stores late on Friday night after getting the boys to bed. We were laughing deliriously about the scavenger hunt we were on to find a few items. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard while trying to keep my composure in the checkout lane. The guy in line behind us overheard our conversations throughout the store and asked us if we located everything on our scavenger hunt. That made us laugh even harder. The evening was hilarious and memorable, but it was also a stark reminder of the mother/daughter relationship that I will never pass on.

And so, Mother's Day for me means joy, but it also means tears. Just keeping it real.

Merry Merry

I am so grateful for these children of mine.

I'm grateful for how they look out for one another. How they genuinely love each other.

And how even though they fight to no end (this isn't even staged), they are quick to say "I'm sorry." They truly are best friends.

I'm grateful that they forgive me when I make mistakes.

I’m so grateful God trusted me with them. I do not take that lightly.

I'm grateful for my oldest child. For the responsible, intelligent and creative individual he is becoming.

I'm grateful for my "baby" of the last three years. His spunk and sweetness has brought me so much joy.

As I reflect on the birth of the Savior, I'm grateful for the opportunity and miracle it is to create new life. I'm especially grateful that the first six months of this rough pregnancy are behind me, and I can finally enjoy the kicks and flutters from within.

And I'm grateful for a husband, my rock, that has put up with me through some pretty difficult times this year.

I'm feeling especially blessed this Christmas.

On Feeling Grateful

Let me start by saying thank you so much for all the love you showed me after my little announcement last week. It may be all the hormones, but I got so emotional reading the comments and seeing the "likes" climb into the hundreds.

I've been dying to get it out in the open, because this pregnancy has been rather hard on all of us and it's always tricky to keep it a secret when you're feeling so down. I was very sick with both of our boys, but this time it is exponentially greater. 

I'll admit, there have been many times in the last few months when I have not felt grateful. I've felt scared. to. death. I've felt shocked at the timing. I've felt bitter towards all those women who breeze through pregnancy with less than a handful of days of feeling sick. I've felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of two small, needy children when I can barely take care of myself. I've felt angry at how slow the time is passing, and incapable of getting out of bed some mornings to face another day. I've felt lonely - as if I'm the only one going through this and everyone around me is going on with their normal lives. I've felt despair. Some days I've laid in bed and just prayed for a miracle.

But then I think about the miracle growing inside me. And how unfair it is that I have been blessed to carry three babies when so many others have difficulty or will never have that chance.

I'm finally starting to imagine that delicious little baby body and the way they curl right up to your chest like they're still part of you. I can't think of any feeling I love more in the whole world.

And even though it still seems like the sickness will last forever, I know somewhere deep inside that it won't. And I hope I don't ever take my health for granted when I'm feeling like myself again. I feel like I could do anything, anything, if I could make it through each day without feeling like I have permanent stomach flu.

I always have so much to be grateful for, but I've felt it so much more lately. I'm not very good at asking for help, but so many have stepped in and insisted on lightening my load.

There's the friend that has brought us a gourmet dinner every single week, claiming that she has "extra," but really I know that she is deliberately making extra so I don't have to cook (or have Troy pick something up again).

There's another friend who drove an hour with her baby to take care of us for a whole day. She picked up lunch, made dinner, and even brought Blake to soccer practice. She tried to clean the house too, but I drew the line there.

There's Blake, who has stepped up to help me in so many ways. He makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I can't get off the couch. He surprises me by vacuuming the house. He reminds Nash not to bother me when I'm throwing up. He's still four and is very fluent in Whinese, but he has been a great help to me when I need it the most.

And then there's Troy, who is my emotional sounding board. He puts up with me crying for no apparent reason. He runs to the grocery store for me, takes the kids out, and picks up household chores. I know this is not a fun time for him, but he seldom complains.

There's my mom, who dropped everything for 10 days to come take care of our family. Which meant every meal taken care of, help with cleaning and running kids around, and me never touching the dishwasher once.

And there's my best friend in Michigan, who gets just as sick during pregnancy as I do. She is the only one I can talk to that I feel really "gets" what I'm going through. And she does do willingly. Every single week. Which often does so much more for me emotionally than any amount of physical relief.

There are countless others who continually ask me how I'm feeling and if we need any help. I usually turn them down and insist that we're fine, but just knowing that the concern is there helps me immensely.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the outpouring of love that has been shown towards me. And even though I feel like I can't do anything in return to show these people how grateful I am, I hope that I can pay it forward someday. When I am feeling better, or when my children are grown up a bit, I hope I can help out other expecting moms that feel like I do now. And tell them that I remember what it was like. I hope I can show the same kindness that has been shown to me in this stage of life. Because I will be forever grateful.

500th

This is my 500th post.

I can hardly believe how much this hobby has evolved in the past four years.

I was skeptical about starting a blog at first. I didn't want to buy into another social media outlet that would waste my time.

But seeing that very first post hit the screen, just days before our first child was born, gave me an enormous rush of triumph.

I quickly discovered after launching our blog that it was an tremendous source of happiness for me. It was also a challenge and often drove me crazy with frustration as I learned to format. But the more I did, the more I wanted to do.

Blogging gave me a new identity, new skills, and a new set of friends. Those things filled me in a way that I never anticipated they would as I shared my tiny corner of the world.

A few months ago, I was asked to teach a class on setting up a blog. I was sure to mention the things that trouble me about blogs. How I sometimes view the "tip of the iceberg" that others portray on their blogs and compare my worst to their best. How I forget that most bloggers keep 90% of their icebergs under the water and hidden from view. And how technology is the latest means of comparing ourselves to others.

But, in preparation for the class, I also gathered my top ten reasons why this hobby has become such a passion of mine, and how the positive aspects make the time spent worthwhile.

1. Our blog keeps a record of family life for myself and our posterity. It makes me feel great to have a record of our lives under my belt. And because of that, I make it a priority.

2. I am able to stay in touch with family members and friends sprawled across the country.

3. I have always been an avid journal keeper so our blog is the perfect step-up from a journal.

4. It is a forum to share photography and creative ideas. I don't think I would have ever started to dabble in photography if it weren't for blogging. And now, even though I am far from professional, it is such a huge part of my life. I dream about lenses and editing techniques and thoroughly enjoy the nitty gritty details.

5. Our blog gives me an avenue to share thoughts that are swirling around in my mind. I don’t have the best memory and I’m always worried that I will forget the details of the moments that matter most. I feel like I must have a photo and writing about things to really grasp them before they slip quietly out of my brain never to be remembered. To me, the photos and written descriptions are like a safety-net, holding on to those things I cherish most in life. I can relax at the end of the day knowing that moments have been recorded and I no longer have to keep the details in the forefront of my memory.

6. Writing and sharing my ideas helps me be more deliberate about my mothering and other personal goals. Somehow spilling out how I feel makes me more conscientious of how I live my life. When I write something on our blog it motivates me to really follow through.

7. It is a way to gather ideas from others. Some of my challenges have literally been answered by friends and strangers from across the world. Just knowing that I’m not alone in certain struggles is so comforting and it really builds me up. I love all the inspiring things people write back and I have taken so many comments to heart.

8. I love to promote the joy and power of motherhood. One of the nicest compliments I ever received was that my blog "makes motherhood 'cool'," and I have carried that close to my heart ever since. Motherhood is the most important "career" in the world and I want to popularize how rewarding it is.

9. I am fortunate enough that my passions of blogging and web design have evolved into a part-time, work-from-home career. The design work challenges and thrills me. Getting to know new people each week and transforming their little corners of the world wide web into something beautiful encompasses everything I love; creativity, organization, mathematical trial and error, positive feedback, and an enormous sense of accomplishment.

10. Writing is a way of reminding myself to savor the moments of everyday life and to pay more attention to people rather than to things. For my own sanity, I feel happier when I am able to put all my thoughts down in the written form.

I can't wait to see where the next 500 posts and beyond will take me.

Grateful

So much to be thankful for.

We've been adding feathers all month (it may be obvious who added what). I'm a firm believer that gratitude equals happiness. We are certainly blessed.