On Feeling Grateful

Let me start by saying thank you so much for all the love you showed me after my little announcement last week. It may be all the hormones, but I got so emotional reading the comments and seeing the "likes" climb into the hundreds.

I've been dying to get it out in the open, because this pregnancy has been rather hard on all of us and it's always tricky to keep it a secret when you're feeling so down. I was very sick with both of our boys, but this time it is exponentially greater. 

I'll admit, there have been many times in the last few months when I have not felt grateful. I've felt scared. to. death. I've felt shocked at the timing. I've felt bitter towards all those women who breeze through pregnancy with less than a handful of days of feeling sick. I've felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of two small, needy children when I can barely take care of myself. I've felt angry at how slow the time is passing, and incapable of getting out of bed some mornings to face another day. I've felt lonely - as if I'm the only one going through this and everyone around me is going on with their normal lives. I've felt despair. Some days I've laid in bed and just prayed for a miracle.

But then I think about the miracle growing inside me. And how unfair it is that I have been blessed to carry three babies when so many others have difficulty or will never have that chance.

I'm finally starting to imagine that delicious little baby body and the way they curl right up to your chest like they're still part of you. I can't think of any feeling I love more in the whole world.

And even though it still seems like the sickness will last forever, I know somewhere deep inside that it won't. And I hope I don't ever take my health for granted when I'm feeling like myself again. I feel like I could do anything, anything, if I could make it through each day without feeling like I have permanent stomach flu.

I always have so much to be grateful for, but I've felt it so much more lately. I'm not very good at asking for help, but so many have stepped in and insisted on lightening my load.

There's the friend that has brought us a gourmet dinner every single week, claiming that she has "extra," but really I know that she is deliberately making extra so I don't have to cook (or have Troy pick something up again).

There's another friend who drove an hour with her baby to take care of us for a whole day. She picked up lunch, made dinner, and even brought Blake to soccer practice. She tried to clean the house too, but I drew the line there.

There's Blake, who has stepped up to help me in so many ways. He makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I can't get off the couch. He surprises me by vacuuming the house. He reminds Nash not to bother me when I'm throwing up. He's still four and is very fluent in Whinese, but he has been a great help to me when I need it the most.

And then there's Troy, who is my emotional sounding board. He puts up with me crying for no apparent reason. He runs to the grocery store for me, takes the kids out, and picks up household chores. I know this is not a fun time for him, but he seldom complains.

There's my mom, who dropped everything for 10 days to come take care of our family. Which meant every meal taken care of, help with cleaning and running kids around, and me never touching the dishwasher once.

And there's my best friend in Michigan, who gets just as sick during pregnancy as I do. She is the only one I can talk to that I feel really "gets" what I'm going through. And she does do willingly. Every single week. Which often does so much more for me emotionally than any amount of physical relief.

There are countless others who continually ask me how I'm feeling and if we need any help. I usually turn them down and insist that we're fine, but just knowing that the concern is there helps me immensely.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the outpouring of love that has been shown towards me. And even though I feel like I can't do anything in return to show these people how grateful I am, I hope that I can pay it forward someday. When I am feeling better, or when my children are grown up a bit, I hope I can help out other expecting moms that feel like I do now. And tell them that I remember what it was like. I hope I can show the same kindness that has been shown to me in this stage of life. Because I will be forever grateful.